The idea of being seen makes me feel so uncomfortable that I hide from myself. For as long as I could remember there’s been an unspoken rule to never tell the full truth. Just what I think is necessary to reveal. That way I can keep my image clean and manipulate the perception of what other people think of me. Growing up we were told to never tell our business. We would be in the thick of chaos and struggle within our homes, but front as if we had everything together. Even if that meant denying help from people that cared about us. When I was molested, I was told not to tell anyone. When I got older I felt comfortable in relationships that weren’t “official” and allowed me to sneak and hide with someone that was in a relationship, or complacent with me being the one cheating. Looking back at it now, there was a part of me that felt empowered by “knowing” something that no one else knew. Secrets became my kryptonite.
This need to hide is very prevalent and happens so naturally, that I convince myself of things that aren’t true based on the lies that I hide behind. The biggest problem with that is the fact that the biggest person that I’m harming is myself. It makes me constantly feel the need to be on the go to get the things that make me feel whole, and compensate for whatever is lacking or not in alignment with the idea I’ve convinced myself to be true. It’s a deep feeling of lack. I feel deeply rooted in fear and insecurity. Fear of allowing the most authentic version of myself to just exist without the need to be polished. Fear of allowing my vulnerability to be the strength that it is rather than the weakness that my ego perceives it to be.
The insecurity is rooted in fear that who I am isn’t enough, and that if I let people in, not only will they NOT accept me for who I am, but they will instead desire to leave me. Fear of being abandoned. Alone. Without the lifeline of others to hide behind. Without “support” and “friendships”. Fear of being exposed..I believe that there is more to it, I know that there is definitely more that I need to address within myself to confront it head on and begin the life of a new narrative. I’m now learning how to love and deal with these many layers of myself with compassion, but head on.I am committed to removing the judgment as I continue to peel back the layers of myself.
