I’ve always been serious. I’m not quite sure where it began, but I know that being raised in the suburbs and the church and having to be hyper-independent at a very young age created a personality within me that made it difficult to be at ease. My internal systems are always on high alert for danger that may never come, and it hasn't been until recently that I’ve acknowledged that I have a problem—I can’t relax.
I went to get my first stretch massage in 2023 and my massage therapist could only murmur the words “Wow” as he kneaded my legs and stretched my hips.
“You need to relax,” he said.
“How?” I asked, “What does that look like?” It was a simple question, but for the life of me, I couldn’t find an answer. How does a person relax with thirty-plus years of fight or flight ingrained in her DNA without prescription medication? I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find it difficult to celebrate things in the present moment because there’s always “something” around the corner that is plotting to take it away. I often have to tell myself to unroll my tongue off the roof of my mouth and roll my shoulders to release tension. For several decades I have tried to hide it, going about my day-to-day like nothing is wrong. Now, that way of living has taken a toll on my mind and body and it is absolutely critical that I find a new way to be.
For the past three years, I have been collecting puzzle pieces to better answer the question of how to relax. Ancestral relationship building as well as mental and emotional liberation work are supporting me in unpacking the physical and energetic tightness that I feel within me. I am learning that my body holds my own memory along with the ancestral memory of many others. My constant stress not only impacts my physical vessel, it impacts my spiritual vessel as well, and that includes my ancestral lineage. With more exploration, I am on a path of figuring out what is mine and what is not, what I should release, and what I should dissolve. I understand that the management and resolution of my stress lies deeper than my “getting over” the past, and requires a study of myself and deep emotional intimacy that I often avoid.
My journey in mental and emotional liberation is bringing to light the extreme suffering that I continue to create within myself because I often live in the past, so much so that I can’t enjoy any part of the present. I know that I have operated outside of alignment with myself for a very long time, and it’s going to take flexibility and uncomfortable positions for me to not only make shifts but to internalize the work.
Slowly but surely, I am finding ways to calm my nervous system. I am finding that nature, float spas, breathwork, and just having more grace and gratitude are helpful. There is no guidebook and perhaps that is a good thing because it requires that I lean into an understanding that is far greater than me. I’ve always been serious and too afraid to go out of routine because the unknown feels scary. But living the way I am now, unable to let go or let anything in, isn’t how I am meant to exist. I’ve always been afraid of the ebbs of life because they are exactly what I expect. But now I want to experience what it means to be in flow. Even if I do not know what it will look like, I want to know what it feels like to be at ease with life, rather than always fighting against it.
