For the first time in a long time, I feel capable. As simple as it may sound, this feeling has eluded me for quite a long time. For all of 2023, I have tried to make it through—make it through the week, the day, and sometimes even through the next hour because I felt like there were so many things to attend to that I couldn’t manage them all. To put it frankly, I was overwhelmed and because I was overwhelmed, I felt I couldn’t get anything done. Because I couldn’t get anything done, I felt like a failure, and because I felt like a failure, I felt a sense of disempowerment. I was in an endless cycle—overwhelmed, unable to meet my basic needs, burning out, tears, disempowerment, rinse and repeat. For over a year I operated in this state, believing that everything and everyone else was the cause of the problem…until I was asked to examine my character.
2023 was also the year I began a lot of personal spiritual work. Many of my mornings were taken to appease various deities and each deity gave me a reading, or message, to reflect upon. Most of my readings last year reflected on my character issues, which were directly related to my thoughts, actions, and behaviors and the perpetual disconnect in which I constantly found myself. From a bird’s eye view, it was obvious to see what (and who) the problem was, but while I was in it, I couldn’t tell up from down. It took a whole year and additional weeks for me to realize that I was the one fueling my own disempowerment and I was the one that was creating a narrative that I felt I couldn’t change…but it’s simply not true.
A recent coaching call with Iya Oloruntomi revealed that there are the things I am running away from (i.e. emotional intimacy) are the things that I need to feel safe and grounded. The issue was not that I was inconsistent, but that I was constantly seeking to improve and change myself when my whole being was asking for me to simply understand and accept all of who and what I am. For example, an exploration of my natal chart revealed that daily emotional connection is needed for me in my relationships, community, and environments. Otherwise, I can become easily dismantled. I require deep safety and emotional intimacy. I need to be in my emotions to feel safe. Routines and self-care are also part of my personal makeup and they are usually the first thing I abandon when I feel life is not going my way.
I've walked around believing something is inherently wrong with me and that there are parts of myself that I cannot change. It’s not that there is something about me that needs to be constantly healed and improved, it’s that I am who I need to be. It’s just a matter of understanding who I am and accepting all of that at every given moment, especially when I feel life is not going my way.
For most of my life, I’ve been escaping my emotions and fighting every bit of feeling that arises. I didn’t know this fighting also created disconnection from myself and fostered the negative thoughts that sat in my mind. However, this revelation and the exploration of my spiritual readings and natal chart don’t make me feel discouraged. For once, I feel like I have some clarity on the next steps I need to take to change my reality. Right now, I feel empowered because I understand more about myself and my needs, and because I understand more about my needs, I am more capable of meeting those needs. I do not have everything figured out and I don’t feel the urge to figure out the future. I am content with knowing myself completely and responding to what I know in the here and now.