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Sick in Denial

I’ve been feeling under the weather for the past few days. Coughing up mucus, my body is feeling sluggish, and I’ve had a slight headache on and off. I’ve never been a person that takes well to being sick, because I don’t experience symptoms like this often. When I do, it makes me want to jump out of my skin and fast forward the process to getting well. However, at this exact moment, as uncomfortable as I feel, I’m taking the moment to just be present. There’s not much else to do about it anyway. Yes, I’ll implement some things that can help me recover faster, but I think it’s important for me to sit with this and observe it from another perspective.

I was having a conversation with a sister friend of mine, and she suggested that perhaps I’m sick as a result of being in denial, which is one of the many characteristics of codependency, and how it shows up in my physical reality. I’m now asking myself, what is it that I’ve been in denial about? The more I allow the question to penetrate my mind, the more I’m allowing myself to trace back a few steps. I know that I spent a bit of time disconnected from reality for a few weeks in a form of psychosis, which occurs when I’m overwhelmed emotionally but don’t want to confront or deal with the emotions. Now that I’ve been back to myself, I’ve been doing my best to stay present in my everyday experiences, but there are a few things that are happening around me. Issues in my apartment, money being depleted at a faster rate, excessive spiritual work needing to take place, etc. I’ve not been confronting these different occurrences from a perspective of ownership and responsibility. Nor have I been reflecting deeply on what’s being communicated. I could say that yes, that is indeed a reflection of being in denial.

There’s not much I’m doing on the other side of “psychosis” any differently than what led me to feel that overwhelmed before. My actions and inactions are my gaps. They are the things that are leaving holes in the creeks for drama and chaos to invite themselves into. Being present is not enough, being able to acknowledge what the issues are is also not enough. Both are the prerequisites for resolving issues, but the work within myself has to happen for anything to be different or change. In fact, every time I have those feelings of emotional instability, I have to recognize that they are a result of something happening to level me up in some way. If I’m not implementing new strategies or being consistent enough with ones that help me be more effective, then there’s nothing that can change.

I have to be willing to deeply process my life as it’s happening and use the strength of my mind to think beyond the small circumstances and a deeper look into the bigger picture. I have to ask myself why all these things are occurring as they are occurring, and what spirit is prompting me to do about it. As much as it’s uncomfortable being sick, it forces me to slow down. Even if I didn’t want to, it made it impossible to just keep going. Our bodies are truly a physical reflection of our spiritual reality. Our minds are the programs that govern our emotions and how we respond to them. My ability to be well starts in my ability to face life squarely as it’s happening, develop strength along the way in doing so, and courage to navigate the things that make me feel uncomfortable. It’s the only way for true wellness to occur.


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