Could you imagine? Sitting down after work at the foot of my grandmother’s altar, to hear a message drop so clearly in my head: “Your insides don’t match the words you say out loud.” I just sat there to truly take the message in, and it felt so uncomfortable to do so. I was processing how I felt about navigating through the weight of being responsible for more than just myself in this season and the pressure that it puts on me. How rather than being with that truth, I’d try to ignore it and proceed as if I have it all together.
There are genuinely some things I just don’t want to do and there are some things that I feel disempowered to do because of a lack of belief I have in myself. My challenge in this season is less about acquiring a sense of empowerment, rather than a genuine disinterest in doing anything. I can’t make this about “not wanting to do” something when that’s actually not my truth. The truth is that rather than dealing with that lack of belief in myself, without thinking, I slander the efforts of others in my head. I anticipate for people to have ill intentions and I anticipate for things to go wrong…all so that I can prove my point of “I can’t do this. This isn’t for me.” Essentially, I’m saying that I’m scared, and I lack faith, so if I’m continuing to pray but then repel the experiences that occur as a result of the prayers, my words are indeed disconnected from my insides. I already have the cards of a lack of mindset stacked up against me. In order for that mindset to be interrupted- I have to initiate the interruption. As I go day to day not monitoring my thoughts and letting them run rampant, it reinforces the belief that nothing I do or am capable of doing is ever going to be enough.
I had a talk with my therapist about this. More from a perspective of the experiences that occur while I’m in this mindset of having it all together but trembling on the inside. She was very straightforward with me and said, "It sounds like you’re projecting your own discomforts on others." Then insisted that perhaps I’m trying to be or appear a certain way. She said when I am being authentic about how I feel and taking responsibility for navigating through those emotions only then will others feel safe trusting me. I mean…it’s true. I think I’ve convinced myself for so long about who I am based on this idea of who I thought I ought to be, and now that I’m actually flowing and doing things that I’ve put off for so long, I’m noticing a lot of learning curves and gaps. I’m more present with the areas that I lack, and I’m not being honest that it makes me uncomfortable to admit this. Essentially, I am suppressing those emotions, and not dealing with them.
Now, here I am. At this very moment, I admit that I have dishonest conversations with myself in my mind. I convince myself that I’m doing what I’m not or more evolved than I am. It makes me uncomfortable when I look up and see the truth of where I am compared to what I’ve convinced myself. I put up a shell to block anyone from seeing the truth. I’ve definitely made some huge strides in my development, but I have a long way to go. I struggle with accepting and maturely navigating through challenging emotions to the point that I opt out of myself to become someone else and ignore what is happening. When I am behaving this way, it makes it impossible for me to have healthy interactions with others let alone work on anything bigger than me. With all that being said, and despite how long this has been my reality, I am now committed to doing the deeper layers of emotional liberation to recalibrate myself. I am committed to evolving my level of reactiveness, pouring into myself more, and giving myself, that girl in me, the love she needs to do the work as the adult woman I am today. I owe it to myself to be 100% authentic.