For a long time I’ve had this misconstrued perception of the amount of effort it truly takes to overcome and/or accomplish things. Whether that’s elevating my mindset, ending the pattern of addictive behaviors, obtaining a goal, or becoming this top tier version of myself that I know myself to be. I can say with pride, that at 34, I’m finally beginning to understand that the process of pursuing anything in life is a marathon. Not a sprint. When I was in about fifth grade, there was this excerpt from a magazine that I saved. It was of a woman promoting some weight loss solution, where you would literally circle the areas of your body that you wanted to reduce fat in and sculpt up. I had convinced myself at that moment, that it was all that simple. All I had to do was enter this program, and within a few days or so, I’d experience the body that I’d feel more comfortable being in. Well, my parents weren’t going for it and so I never got this product. Instead, I pursued my search for quick fixes. I got workout videos that would promise results within 10 workouts, or 30 days, and so this mindset of fixing my solutions within a matter of a few weeks time became very indoctrinated within my mind.
I went after everything in life with this approach. I didn’t like the idea of investing too much time in one thing if it couldn’t promise me some instant gratification. As a result, I developed this habit of starting things and stopping if it got too tough or appeared that it was going to take longer than I was willing to wait to accomplish. What I know now that I didn’t realize then, was that constant approach to everything was truly slowing me down in the long run. My desires of creating that music, or stepping into leadership, taking care of my health, elevating my mindset, etc. never went away no matter how many times I gave up on myself. No matter how many times I would start and stop, make a goal to do but then put it off, and promise to commit in the morning, it never took away my desire to accomplish that thing or do what I said I was going to do. Those desires are callings in my life that need my attention. Necessary assignments to fulfill my ultimate assignment here, so putting them off did nothing but make me desire them more. Furthermore, it made it harder to do when I did decide to pick the pursuit of them back up. What I now accept is that making a commitment to something is a daily effort- not a one-time thing.
Every day I have to commit to doing the thing I said I was going to do. While on my 33-day consumption plan, I had to commit every day to making a choice not to eat off path. I let go of my addiction to porn years ago, but I have to commit to this day not to indulge when and if I find myself having the urge to give in. As I’ve been spending these last few weeks honing in on cultivating a deep relationship with my grandmother as an Ancestor, the process is reiterating the very same concept. Even in my weakest moments, I come before her as I am. It forces me to face myself and be honest and more importantly- take responsibility. Responsibility for how I feel, what I know, what I’m going to do about it, and doing what I can. It leaves a limited window of opportunity to quit very, and it’s been helping me squarely face my shadows. Then the next day, I’ll have to do it again, as I am in that next moment. This process is shaping me, molding me, and growing me.
With every day and moment of recommitting, my skin is getting thicker. My mind is becoming more present. I’m becoming more vulnerable with myself and it’s helping me be that with others. I’m becoming more receptive to the voice of people that I love and care about. I’m becoming that person that I said I wanted to become, through my experiences. Through every moment of me deciding every moment to stick to my commitment.
