For the greater part of Quarter 3, I have been in a whirlwind. One day I’m up and I’m telling myself that I am at peace and the next day my anxiety is so paralyzing that I am unable to think straight. Stabilization had become illusive, and it didn’t seem that any length of meditation allowed me to experience consistent groundedness. I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep enough to feel rested, and I filled myself with the most comforting foods I could find because it was the only thing, I felt I could give myself. After several weeks of feeling disconnected and not being able to pinpoint why I felt so destabilized, I got the wake-up call I needed—I had completely abandoned my basic self-care practices.
Those supplements I had been prescribed to regulate my hormones, moods, and body functions were never refilled. The constant snacking, crunching, and munching were filling my stomach but still left a void in my spirit. The spiritual work was working but I wasn’t doing much beyond it. In fact, I was doing a whole lot, but I wasn’t really moving anywhere. Life was a struggle because I had created the perfect spiritual, mental, and emotional imbalance to make it so. Simply journaling and meditating weren’t going to erase the real issues of my well-being that were completely ignored or replaced by low-vibrational activities. There was and still continues to be a lack of internalization in learning my lessons and truly taking care of myself, and as I look towards Quarter 4, there is some work to be done.
My personal responsibilities and commitments to my own healing journey are expanding along with my leadership in SHYNE. I am deeply familiar (and arguably comfortable) with chaos, but if I am to truly step into the role of Cohort Leader, Content Committe Chair, and Clubhouse Facilitator, I must not only fully commit to the basics of my self-care practices, but I must accept that my rigor must also increase. My spiritual and mental muscles need to grow, and I can no longer stand in the way. There is a song and scripture that I am reminded of from 1 Corinthians 4:10 “Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, ‘Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.’ And God granted his request.” I’ve been crying out to God to give me more and to enlarge my roles, but didn’t really consider what enlarging my life meant. The expansion I desire comes with faithfulness to God and myself. It comes with the obligation to the goals and intentions I have created. It involves thinking differently and fully stepping into the person I am becoming and not reverting back to the person that I am comfortable with. God does grant us what we ask for because God wants us to have more, but it’s not enough to want it. We have to act as well.
There is a newness I can feel even with the end of the calendar year approaching. I am excited to witness how the expansion I requested and gained unfolds. This space is new but there is nothing to fear, especially if it has been ordained. I am stepping into my new territory with a stronger mind and a stronger resilience to completely surrender to what my spiritual court has always wanted me to experience.
