A few weeks ago during my therapy session, I was processing the many relationships in my life. Specifically the things I’ve been noticing within myself as I’ve been pursuing dating, while attempting to engage more intimately and authentically with myself. She gave me a homework assignment that consisted of three questions she suggested that I process throughout the duration of the week. The first and main question was seemingly simple, yet the process of truly unpacking it turned out to be a bit more challenging than I expected. What am I looking for?
The moment I began to think about the things I desired, the moment my mind began to drift into all the reasons that I wasn’t worthy of having these things I desired. Every thought led to a rebuttal. Every rebuttal brought up an emotion that made me feel inadequate of being able to even address the problems I identified as the reasons why I wasn’t worthy of obtaining the things I desired. I realized that it was as a result of this mindset that I felt like I was constantly at war with myself. There’s no way for me to receive any blessings if I’m pushing them away internally.
I found it easy to identify all of the things I desired when I engaged with the next question of what do I want? However by the time I got to the end of the list I realized that there are many things on the list that I haven’t necessarily mastered within myself. This then led to more intrusive thoughts about why I ought not to desire the things I do, and further reiteration of me not being “worthy” enough. I brought my reflections to my next session and she offered some really good advice to help shift my perspective. She suggested that it’s ok to not have it all together, there may be some things that you don’t feel you are doing at the best of your ability in a particular area, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not doing anything in that area. Rather than focusing on what you’re not doing, identify the ways that you can leverage the strong qualities you have with achieving this way of being in the areas you find it difficult. Have some compassion with yourself and others is what she suggested.
After all of this it didn’t dawn on me that this is indeed a reflection of me lacking compassion with myself. Mainly because of me not wanting to admit to myself that I don’t have it all together. This experience of going through the assignment, processing on my own and further processing with my therapist, truly helped me to see that I truly need to learn to soften my heart to myself, especially if my desire is to do so with others. I tend to be so brick, so rough and hard. I walk around like I have to have it all figured out all the time, while not wanting to admit to myself that I don’t. Oftentimes pushing people away before they can even get to me. I use this constant back and forth to make me comfortable with being complacent and not pushing myself to new heights out of fear. While my reflection was initiated by the thought of external relationships, I realize that it was more about the need to elevate the relationship I have with myself. The person that I desire is me. That’s not to say that I can’t desire certain things from others, however, the more that I can embrace myself the more open I can allow myself to be in relation with others. The more I can yes have my standards, but allow others to be all of who they are just as they are without force, judgment or the need to control the flow of our relationship.