I developed a relationship with dishonesty a long time ago. This relationship started out real cute. Simple stuff like sneaking on the phone past my curfew or meeting guys at the mall were all that were at stake then. As I grew older the relationship grew deeper and stronger . I was the “church girl” around church people, the honor roll student in gifted classes at school, and the “freaky” girl being grown on the phone and organizing secret meet ups to satisfy my curiosity. Who would know?
Time moved on and throughout the years I’ve upheld many different masks, not realizing the internal damage I was causing myself because no one was getting hurt, or so I thought? I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was just trying to add some spice to my boring church life and be someone who people liked. No one was getting hurt, or so I thought. Someone was absolutely getting hurt and that someone was me.
I recently ended my relationship with dishonesty and that version of myself that equated my self worth to what people thought I was when I was wearing these different masks. Dishonesty started to take over, to the point where it was getting hard to keep up with the stories. I was creating illusions and then having to play into the illusion to keep stories going. I was creating issues with my character, causing a war with myself, and not honoring or nurturing my relationship with my ancestors. The level of dishonesty that I was participating in was adding to the suffering of my ancestors, creating pain in my own body, disturbing my Spiritual Home, and damaging the ability for me to be intimate with myself.
This is an issue in my current reality. I’m healing through this part of myself by first being HONEST with myself and accepting the fact that I am human and that this character trait doesn’t serve me on this part of my journey. I first have to be okay with and love myself through honest self-reflection and self-care practices that allow me the opportunity to embody character traits of the woman that I am becoming.
One new restoration practice that I explored recently was going to a spa. Not just any spa, a spa where there is a men’s side, a women’s side, and a family friendly side. On the women’s side you are instructed to remove all clothing and shoes, shower, and soak in a pool of your choice: hot or cold. This was all new to me, I’m used to spas where you keep your clothes on or wear a robe and walk into a private treatment room. I was strangely comfortable and naked as a jaybird. I'm learning that intentions help me to focus and not be all over the place in my mind. I had 4 intentions when I headed to the spa that day:
To bury/unbecome the deceptive Nicole and to call in the authentic Nicole.
To explore something new to add to my self-care practices.
To connect with another woman who is on this journey as me.
To appreciate RESToration.
The symbolism of being naked was powerful in a sense that I literally have a spiritual sisterhood that I can bare it all with, even in this part of my healing journey when I’m not being my true self. I can be comfortable, and I don’t have to feel uneasy and shameful or try to create a mask to hide behind.
The first pool (warm) helped me make that connection. Get comfortable and get real Sis because these spiritual streets ain’t nothing to play with. The second pool (cold) was where I said so long to the old me. The water was so frigid and uncomfortable, and my Ori said "this is what your energy feels like when you come into a space, just awkward as hell." As I released her…my body started to get familiar with the cold and I was able to move in the frigid waters. And finally, get out. I’m done with that dishonest and manipulative persona. How can I be in a spiritual house that is all about uplifting, healing, and love but bring an energy in the space that don’t have nothing to do with that AND causes harm to the people that I say that I love?
Do I want to be known as Lyin ass Nicole who manipulates and deceives people, or do I want to be known as Nicole, a divine woman of integrity, love, respect, and strength? I choose the latter. I left that relationship in that cold pool only to welcome the warmth of a new comfortability with myself. I’m not gonna have it all together AND I have tools to support me in aligning with Nicole, the Divine Woman.