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The Sound of Silence

I have an interesting relationship with noise. I have to have it. I would come home from work and immediately turn the TV on. The TV would stay on ALL. NIGHT. LONG. My addiction was real. I couldn’t sleep without some sort of noise, I couldn’t be comfortable without a distraction of some sort as a way to escape from myself. As I am beginning to do deeper work on my healing journey, I am learning that this escapism that I participate in is a form of self-neglect. Not only is self-neglect a dehumanizing act, it is also very damaging to my emotional and spiritual well-being.

Television isn’t the only form of distraction that I have used, there have been unhealthy, unloving relationships, alcohol, drugs, food, social media, and even sleep have aided in my escapism and have also aided in adding chaos into my life. I am uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable in the silence. I am uncomfortable with paying attention to myself. I don’t even know what to do in silence. I freak out. I pace back and forth until I settle on sitting outside and listening to nature or sitting with my dog.

I have gone without TV for 28 days. There was one day where I gave in and I got back on track by choosing my healing. The TV in my living room and bedroom are covered with a white sheet. I am being called into a season where I have to connect with myself fully. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My body is screaming for help. I’ve been excessively swelling in my lower extremities and emotionally I have been having a time dealing with insecurity, loneliness, fear, just a lot of low vibrational energy that I have been carrying and it has been a tough few month. By shutting out the surrounding noise I am able to concentrate on what is at my core and that has been a journey, a hard one and a good one.

I am just getting to the point where I am appreciating the peace. I am accepting the silence. I am acknowledging the feelings. I’m even realizing that in order to heal I can’t do the things that I have always done, I have to do things differently, even fighting myself brings chaos.

Over the past few days (Yes, it has taken me a while to release myself from my will and give into the Spirit of the Divine) I’ve come to the realization that creating a life of peace and ease is a revolutionary act. Our ancestors, grandmothers, and mothers didn’t have the luxury of having a life of ease and peace. Their lives were ones of chaos with slavery, Jim Crow laws, segregation, police brutality, the list goes on and on... We still see it today with our Black men being killed in the streets. We see mother’s marching for the humanization of their sons and daughters. Children marching for equal education. All everyone wants, in these situations, is peace. If I look at these examples and listen to the stories of my own ancestors, who am I to complain about something being too quiet? Really. The thought puts things into perspective. Having silence is an honor. Having silence is the answer to my grandmother’s prayers. Resting is the remedy to my ancestors worries, fears, and doubts.

I’m cultivating my relationship with silence. Silence and I have an understanding now. I guess you can say we are “talking” and we are familiarizing ourselves with each other. Silence is helping me figure out my love language. I have spent a lot of time outside, I have started reading, I’m eating high vibrational foods, and I have started to fully integrate tools that I have learned while I’ve been with SHYNE. I’m not saying that I will never watch TV again. I am saying that I am choosing to do what I need to do to heal myself, to love myself, and to nurture myself and right now escaping is harming me and I have to make a decision to choose myself in a revolutionary way.


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