After a recent coaching call, I could have sworn I heard my ancestors singing that line “You got a huge egooo, such a huge egoooo” just like in Beyonce’s song. I am currently navigating the disappointment in not getting a job promotion. I was instructed during a divination that a job promotion was coming AND I had to remain humble and take care of my character among other things. Well, the humbleness and character check didn’t happen and therefore, I wasn’t surprised that I didn’t land the promotion, but I was still disappointed. I felt deflated and I felt seen. I rationalized my behavior because I wasn’t going to work acting like I knew everything. I was kind, I was nice, and I was treating everyone at work with respect. Or so I thought. What I didn’t grasp in the moments after my divination was that Spirit wasn’t guiding me about my “work life.” Spirit gives me guidance on my “Life Life.” My spiritual health and holistic well-being is about Me.
During my one-on-one development session, I learned that this disappointment that I’m feeling is valid AND I needed to hold that mirror up, look at myself and examine what was underneath this disappointment. Yup, Ego. Hmmmm. I have always paralleled ego with being prideful, conceited, big-headed, having an inflated sense of self-confidence, things like that, …Am I like that? Surely, not. (See, there goes my ego again.) I was curious as to what information I was missing about ego and how my ego was getting in the way of my well-being and my blessings.
As I did some research, I was led to a page that explained the unhealthy states of one's ego. I’m not a psychology guru or expert, however, the words that I read were so true to how I have been showing up and how I have acted in many seasons of my life that I couldn’t deny that Spirit was speaking to me. The information that I gathered discussed enabling others, people pleasing, selfishness, rebelliousness, manipulation, and being controlling. All of those words resonated with me as I held that mirror up and took a hard look at myself. One thing that wasn’t named was how I interact with my Spiritual practice. I tend to want Spirit to work how I think Spirit should and always in my favor giving me what I want when I want it and if things aren’t working out according to my plan, I’ll have a tantrum. I'll opt out of the support that I’m given, the guidance that I’ve received, and the actions that support my well-being. Now how can I walk a path of righteousness and divinity acting and behaving like that? I can’t. Reading and swallowing those words brought about more awareness and areas where I need to hold myself accountable and helped me to further understand what my character issues are.
These are deep-rooted issues and the beauty of it is that I have support to help me balance these characteristics in a healthy way. Selfishness can look like intentional self-care, sticking to the things that promote my well-being. Enabling myself can look like letting go of expectations of people and letting them do what they do and abling myself to pour into my own dedication and commitment to my spiritual practice and walk. Rebellion can look like making sure I’m consuming the things spiritually, energetically, and physically that add to my peace because my ancestors and a lot of Black women didn’t have that luxury. People pleasing, that’s simple, please myself and enjoy myself as a woman healing on her journey. I don’t have to get stuck in a rut and say “This is too hard” and complain. I can look at all the blessings that I have experienced. Releasing manipulation and control is all a matter of doing my work so that I can allow and learn how my spiritual court moves. I don’t have to put my hand in anything because when I do my work, everything that I need will align with what Spirit has for me, I just have to have faith and patience. That’s it. And with that faith and patience comes peace, ease, and clarity.
I am no longer disappointed with not getting the promotion as the decision is giving me the chance to grow in my spiritual walk, mature in my emotions and interactions, and it is stretching me to become a better woman because had this not happened I know that I would not have been humble enough to sit still and reflect on these character opportunities that arose out of it, I would’ve been out here in these streets celebrating and not giving credit to where credit is due. I’m thankful for the blessing in this lesson.