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Baby Blues

I am a 44-year-old woman with no children. I have been called barren. I have been asked numerous times why I don’t have children. I have been questioned “What’s wrong with you?”. I have been told “You better hurry up; you’re not getting any younger”. Labeled infertile by doctors. I can’t even count the times where I have cried and asked why. Was I being “punished” by The Creator for having an abortion years ago? I even sought treatment at an IVF clinic to make my dream of becoming a mother come true, but when they explained the number of drugs and hormones that I would have to inject into my body, my Spirit was disturbed, and I had to take a step back.

I’m very thankful for what I know now, but I haven’t altogether processed the “What if...” What if I die without experiencing the miracle of birthing a child? That may really be my reality and I have to, at some point, look that thing in the face and make my peace with it, even if it hurts and I’m not there yet.

I joined the SHYNE community days after I walked away from that Dr’s office and left all those injections on the table. Here I have learned how to heal from my own “mother wounds” and have a better relationship with my mom, and though I have some more processing and issues to internalize and work through, I needed the support and direction I got from SHYNE to “officially” start my journey into DIVINE Motherhood. Prior to SHYNE, I was moving in a state of obsession: getting opinions from doctors, searching sperm banks, crying every time my cycle came around, and feeling pressured by my age. I have internalized so much pressure on myself that I have become emotionally numb to a degree and have developed a hormonal imbalance because of the stress I have put myself under trying to accomplish what seemed like the impossible.

It’s been a year since I left that doctor’s office. Within that year I have worked on and learned deeper meanings of balance, rest, ease, consumption, ancestral relationships, community, sisterhood, and forms of movement that activate my ability to feel and make meaning of the language that my body is speaking. Now my “What if'' is replaced with “When I” ... and “Now that I am able to...” because I am healing that part of the Motherhood journey that was anchored in fear and replacing it with self-worth, I’m wrapping it with self-acceptance, and I’m sealing it with a divine love of myself.


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