My healing journey has come with a lot of twists and turns, highs and lows, and I have been grateful for the guidance and wisdom that has allowed me to make continual progress. One of the ancestral assignments that I received that allowed me to take a deep look at myself was writing a letter to my past self and writing that letter from a place of love and not a space of judgment. This letter allowed me a much-needed release, helped me to free myself from past narratives, and even showed areas that I need to work on, as I am still a beautiful work in progress. At the same time, writing helped me to overstand and honor parts of myself that served me at one time and no longer serve me in this season of my life and healing journey. Here is the letter.
We’ve coexisted but never talked. I want to say thank you for the memories. You were such a wild girl. Full of dreams and ambition and no matter what, you were not going to be stopped. Your tenacious ways are one of the things that I love about you. When it came to controlling your future you did everything in your power to get to where I am today, and I thank you for that. Although some of your ways were very problematic, you had heart, but now you understand what price was paid for that “heart” and all is well.
You no longer feel ugly and fat and the lies and manipulation you used to make yourself feel good or worthy, no longer have a place in your life. You are fine, nothing is boring or wrong with you. You are seen and you are heard. That girl who was smart, loved the outdoors, loved to read, and loved dancing and music is being alchemized into a mature woman. The men that you allowed in your life that didn’t show you love or respect are just that. A part of your past. They are a part of your journey and I thank you for your courage in loving different people in different ways. I thank you for your willingness to fight it showed me strength. Your willingness to love showed me humility. Your willingness to laugh showed me joy. Your willingness to try showed me perseverance. Of course, everything wasn’t sweet there were many times that your efforts were influenced by deception, fear, and anger. Those moments showed areas in which in you needed to heal and that’s okay. You are human.
So I want to say PEACE to the drunken nights, the nights where you were high and out of control, the nights where you cried feeling misunderstood, unsure, and taken advantage of. The nights where you were SAVAGE! When you lost weight and got that BAWDY girl, you were doing whatever the hell you wanted to do with it. Sexually freeing yourself and calling your shots. That’s why all that weight came back, your ass was doing too much. LOL. However, you proved that it could be done. You can do it again. You just gotta figure out how to do it in a more healthy way because when you were working out at the gym 6-8 hours a day and living off of protein shakes and water that WASN’T IT, Sis. Neither was the overindulgence and obsession over how you looked while you were working hard to compete in Body Building, that led to an unhealthy view of the body that God blessed you with.
Well, Queen, you are healing and that’s the important part, and a part of that process is accepting my past and making peace with it and I have never done that. So here I am. Honoring your humanity, girl, because you were lit and hurting, and I didn’t pause long enough to pay attention. Until now. I love you.
I have written two other letters since this one, one to my present self, and one to my future self, and all of these letters have led me into a journey of self-intimacy, by allowing myself to become aware of my own feelings, sitting with myself, learning more about who I am, and loving what I am discovering. My past, present, and future self all have a voice, and honoring that voice helps me to live in my truth and prove to myself that I am worthy of the work it takes to heal and reap the rewards that come from being intentional about cultivating an intimate relationship with Me.