Music has been the theme song to prevalent times throughout my life. A popular TV show theme song I watched as a child did not resonate with me until recently when it would not escape my thoughts, even my dreams. I could not understand why this particular theme song was constantly on repeat. I walked around the house humming the tune while my kids looked at me in confusion. I sat at my desk humming the tune and my co-worker commented “watching The Facts of Life there?” In fact, I was not watching The Facts of Life, instead I was having a moment of connection about the facts of my life.
Music is what kept me going, enthused and comforted. It was not until I began reflecting on traumas that led to self-guilt, shame and the need of self-forgiveness that I realized there were central themes that replayed throughout life, just with different characters. A recent Pros and Cons list my therapist suggested I write regarding a lingering, life-changing event allowed me to realize no matter the situation, I was still blessed. It was as if a lightbulb came on and I suddenly realized the facts of my life were all about me and my perception.
I took the Pros and Cons of this situation and made a list (the good and the bad). I sat for hours. Hours turned into days. I continue to revisit this list saying, there had to be something wrong. Maybe I was living in a fantasy land…in my head. Maybe I was dreaming because there’s no way this list could look like this. But the list did look like this. These were facts. Not one lie was written down. Not one lie could come to mind in an attempt to refute the fact that God has never left me. During the most tumultuous and whirlwind time of my life that was filled with uncertainty, worry and fear, there was absolutely one thing I was certain about, I will be victorious in the end. Someway, somehow, I would prevail.
Prior to writing the list, sitting, and reflecting with it, I tossed and turned between fear and a huge state of victimhood. When my therapist told me to write a simple, middle school assessment of the pros and cons, I immediately told her, “Girl BYE there are no pros to being involved in something like this.” I am a defendant in the middle of a criminal court case. It took over a month to gather the strength and discipline to confront this list, to confront the fact I was not a victim. Society would have me thinking I should play the sympathy card. But there was nothing to have sympathy for. Everything was fine!
As I began to discuss the list with my therapist, she said “well just tell me, what are the numbers looking like?” At that time, I was given the opportunity to vocalize that my pros outweigh my cons. In fact, I had 8 times the number of pros than cons. I took the good and bad and there were the facts of life. Every item listed for cons was a temporary setback. Currently, my world does not seem to be living up to my dream, but it was in that moment of writing the list that I saw the facts of my life were good. Even in the midst of the greatest storm of my life, God has still been good.
Actually, God has been better than good! There was and is absolutely nothing anyone can say to argue that even in the midst of this, I have been protected. I have been provided for. Every single one of my needs has been supplied. I could not question where God was. The list explained it all. God has been right with me. My ancestors needed me to understand that despite what I may perceive my reality to be, the facts are all that matter.