What good is self reflection if it’s not honest?
I absolutely love the woman I’ve been able to become over the last few years by way of my journey. I am honored by what spirit has taught me about myself, others, the world around me, as well as the level of perspective shifting I’ve been able to undergo. While this is true, I also find myself ungrateful more times than not at the amount of selflessness that’s required to truly walk with spirit. I complain so much about what’s being asked of me to the point where I had to remind myself not to do so by writing a note on my wall. As much as complaining gives my ego the instant satisfaction of avoiding something, it doesn’t feel good to move in so much resistance. Nor does it feel good to feel like I’m being forced to do things against my will as a result of the energy I’m moving in while doing it. I can only imagine the type of blessings I’ll receive when I decide to give more of myself…
As I listen to myself speak and process this, there are a few things that I had to be real with myself about. Mainly because if I’m not, there’s no way out of this rabbit hole of being and this in itself would just be me complaining. By willingly giving a mediocre approach to what’s being asked of me, I am in fact being selfish. If I can acknowledge the power that has come from my path, and recognize that spirit has leveled me up by way of me making the decision to head in the direction of my destiny, yet acknowledge that I don’t desire to do more when I’m being asked to do more- that’s selfish. It’s greedy in fact, because essentially what I’m saying is that I want what I want, but I also want to use spirit to get what I want. It perpetuates a cycle of an unhealthy relationship dynamic with my human self and with my spirit which has no option but to lead to mental instability. I’m on the receiving end when things are going good, but as soon as I’m depended on... I’m unavailable.
It’s disrespectful. To God, my Ori, my Ancestors, and the entire spiritual court that governs my life. Not to mention the spiritual court of the humans that have been placed in my life and on my path to support me. Additionally, to those individuals as well as the sacrifices they’ve made on my behalf. To the spaces and places that have been blessing me, and to everything and experience I’ve been able to gain as a result of what I’ve received. What’s more real is that I don’t often consider it to be disrespectful. In fact I behave in ways that I wouldn’t tolerate anyone doing with me, yet I make it ok when I do it to others. That’s supreme disrespect, and I think that if I can see it like that every time I complain, I can be more prone to shifting myself during those moments when I just don’t feel like doing.
All in all, being at this place isn’t necessarily new. However, as I am where I am in my journey, the view is new. The impact of my actions and inactions are more extreme. I feel more uncomfortable going against what I know despite how “good” it feels in the moment. My heart is growing less tolerant of going against my awareness. It feels very deeply like there’s a shift occurring in me that’s pushing me to a level that I haven’t achieved yet. I’m writing this letter to myself to remind me of these reflections, so I can see the honest truth in the moments when I don’t desire to. I can look at this all day, but the real work is in doing something about what it is I see. Lastly, I know that while I can make a decision in the moment to shift, the real test is always when I’m in the flow of having to implement.