At this exact moment, I am over it. I am over coming home feeling: overwhelmed, hasty, emotionally depleted, mentally drained, physically overworked, and spiritually unraveled over…money. I am over--overworking and still being underpaid. Over not knowing how to say "no" and when to say "yes," or when to say “actually I am not able to commit to this.” Over not having the energy and capacity to do the things I WANT to do, better yet, what I LOVE to do. Over not being able to be a woman of my word and meet the deadline to do what I told someone I was going to do, all because I just don’t have the capacity... Over not having boundaries…with myself, and within my life. It’s draining!
I had a conversation with someone, and I was left feeling like I dumped myself. I left the conversation chewing and replaying the realness that was brought to my attention, and ultimately feeling like I let myself down, because what was being said to me was bringing up a host of things that I wasn’t thinking about. That then led to me having emotions come up that I was up until that point, neglecting to be present with. I look up and it’s the end of the week, yet I haven’t done any of the things I told myself I was going to do, because at one point- I let something get in the way. I allowed my ego to indulge in the desire to say "no" to my Ori ritual and "yes" to eating off path. That one “slip up” caused me to lose my sanity for the remainder of the week. That one decision caused me to put everything off, until now where I’ve lost control. I often hear and talk about having boundaries, but as I’m going through these lessons in my life I’m slowly coming to realize that it is a lot deeper than what I’ve told myself it was.
Boundaries aren't just about having limits to what I am able to tolerate from others or external circumstances. It isn’t just about putting up these borders that I don’t allow other people to cross. I need to have boundaries with myself. It’s the lack of having boundaries with and within myself, that boil over into other aspects of my life. I need to have boundaries with the thoughts I allow to penetrate my mind. I need to have boundaries around my capacity in dealing with low vibrational energies be-it possessed by a person, or with my own unelevated Ancestors. I need to have boundaries with sticking to my self care routines no matter what. It shouldn’t have to take me exploding and crying hysterically because there’s not enough time, once I’ve realized I put myself last. So yeah I’m over it. I think it starts with respectfully and unapologetically putting things in their place.
When it comes to the process of elevation, pursuing the best version of me, and living out my assignment, I am learning that there is truly such a balance to be had. It’s like the more I move forward, the more that things that I’ve held onto so rigidly become excruciatingly heavy. Things that didn’t seem like such a big deal to do, become HUGE factors that impact my well-being and disrupt everything I’m working to build. I now have to use a magnifying glass to identify if that text conversation is worth my time. It truly is that deep! Obtaining peace really requires that I release any and most certainly EVERYthing that has the slightest potential to get in the way. Most times that thing is myself, in particular my belief system and paradigms that I’ve grown complacent living by. Having boundaries starts with me saying no to my own self-neglect and harm. There’s really nothing that anyone else can do to me if I don’t allow myself to do it first, and it requires me to dissect every ounce of how I spend my energy and time. Most importantly what I allow to take up mental and emotional real estate in my mind. At the same time, lessons occur when there are things that have to be addressed in order to get on the other side. With that, I’m very clear that it is necessary that this comes up right now. It requires 100% of my presence to navigate and it requires me to unapologetically protect my peace.
Starting from this day forward, I’m shutting down anything that has the potential to get in the way of me obtaining my peace. I am committed to healing this because I know that this is nothing more than a sick cycle that has continued to slide through the crevices of my bloodline. It’s ultimately the realization that the only obstacle in the way of my peace is me. Furthermore, the only thing that has the ability to obtain the peace I desire is me. I am the block and the solution at the same time, and it’s truly up to me to make sense of what that means, and what I have to do as a result.