I made a commitment to myself that I was going to establish a healthier more authentic relationship with myself, as well as with others. Being vulnerable, being authentic, and secure in trusting relationships has always been a challenge for me. I would either overcompensate, become someone that I wasn’t in order to keep someone around, or become extremely distant and eventually push people away with my actions and/or inactions. On either extreme, I was left alone as a result of being inauthentic to who I am, and what it was that I actually desired. I’ve been exploring this within myself lately. The current season I’m in is pushing me outside of my comfort zone, as any season of elevation would. As I’m making an attempt to cultivate these relationships in my cypher, it’s bringing to my attention a lot of aspects about myself that I’ve wanted to believe weren’t there.
Something that’s been coming up lately in my dreams are reflections of me existing in two different realities to some degree. There’s a clear depiction of me in my present state, but the actions are things that relate to some reality that’s connected to my past. If not that, deeply rooted in ways that I’ve learned to relate within my family in the past, or even spaces that occupy my time more than anything else (work). The biggest reflection of all is that my inauthenticity is rooted in me not fully being free within myself. Still subconsciously desiring not to "rock the boat" too much or become too different from the person I’ve always known myself to be. The problem is, the person I’ve become isn’t in all aspects, a reflection of who I know myself to be at my fullest potential.
There are some things that I have to let go of within my mind, within my blood and bloodline, in order to obtain these deeper desires, I have for myself. More than anything, there are some things that I have to begin to accept. Accept about myself and accept others. I have to then decide what that means for me in terms of how I relate with them. That process sounds so easy to do when it comes to dealing with people at work, or even some friends. However, in my experience, that’s been a challenge to face within my relationship with my family, simply because of my own lack of acceptance within myself. My own inability to be vulnerable with myself in ways that require me to peel back the layers that have kept my mind cloudy for so long.
I’m learning what it looks like to allow people and things to have a place in my life, and to take up only the space that is necessary. As a result of being so open in the past and longing to be accepted, I’ve allowed so many things to take up real estate in my mind and heart. My therapist is helping me see that boundaries require me to look at these things as well, recognizing what people are in my life for, what value they bring, what purpose they serve, and allowing them to be that- nothing more and nothing less. Doing so will ensure that I’m respecting myself.
All that to say, I’m exploring this part of me in a deeper way than I have been able to in the past, and I am appreciating the process more now than I have ever before. Still mustering the words, deciphering the feelings in their totality, but above all allowing myself to grow beyond my here and now while being present in the here and now. Allowing myself to take a good look into the past to course correct my present for a future that is in alignment with what my heart desires.
