Most of the time when asked how I’m feeling, I simply respond that I’m well. This season of self-awareness doesn’t allow me to do that anymore. Exploring my emotions has been an eye
opening task. Emotions have always seemed like a foreign concept that I knew of but didn’t quite understand. So now I find myself googling names of emotions at times, just to intentionally name what I’m feeling. Naming how I truly feel (good or bad) has been empowering. Being numb, anxious, and depressed for the majority of my adolescent years, didn’t give me the space or opportunity to have this level of emotional intelligence.
My younger self would be so proud that I’m keeping true to my own self. She didn’t feel safe
enough to express herself in fear that there would be a bad consequence. I don’t really
remember where nor when this logic came into play. I just remember that that’s how it’s always been. In an effort to reparent myself, I give her permission to be honest. This sense of safety has allowed me to be aware of when I’m operating in trauma-based responses. I’ve also been able to more easily notice when I’m stressed, overwhelmed, and overstimulated. Instead of just pushing through, I make an effort to consciously remove myself from those environments.
I started the month of April with one word: Freedom. I didn’t know what all it meant at the time
when I chose it, but it felt right in my spirit. Eventually, I found myself questioning freedom. What is freedom truly? What would freedom look like in my life? Sitting with myself allowed me to see that I desire freedom of my time. I want to be able to create my own schedule that flows with whatever my children may have going on. I also desire mental and emotional freedom. Being bogged down with internal and external stressors is what keeps my nervous system all jacked up, thus creating a cycle of chaos within the mind and emotional body. I’m moving out of this.
My bathroom has always been the place that sees me the most. I shower and cleanse myself
there. I sometimes fill the tub and do my spiritual baths there. I do my mirror work, cry, and do
my nighttime face washing ritual there. This month I took my Christmas picture with 6 year old
me in a red plaid dress and huge bows and stuck in on the right side of my bathroom mirror. In my favorite color (purple) I stuck sticky note tabs under my picture on the mirror and wrote in affirmations for myself with (purple) washable Crayola marker. Every day now, I’m reminded by these words: Breathe. Hydrate. Move your body. Meditate. I’ve got to stick to the code within myself.