I’ve been in deep reflection with myself these past few days. Face to face with some aspects of myself that I’d like not to admit is even a part of me, but appreciate nonetheless. Learning to truly love even the darkest, shadiest parts of myself because I have a lot of them. The biggest word that comes to mind is grace. What I want more than anything in 2024 is to truly become my biggest supporter, my cheerleader, and the love that I seek so much in others. I desire to be able to hold myself up while being able to face myself with a fine toothcomb. These desires are going to require that I have an extended amount of grace for myself in a way that I have never done before.
I was speaking to my therapist and I explained that more often than not, I skip pouring into myself the level of self-care that I need to truly give from a cup of overflow. At the same time, I have a lot of energy naturally within me, so I often go until I can’t go anymore. The problem is, when I do this, I’m often attempting to show up for others in a way that I’ve convinced myself that I show up for myself and it always backfires because it’s inauthentic. I’ve had recent experiences where I offered my services to some sisters of mine. In fact, we were working together. Everyone held their weight, and I didn't hold my own. I didn’t follow through on what it was I said I would. I kicked and complained throughout the process, and. in turn, made a mess where there wasn’t a mess to begin with. Rather than being in a state of flow, I was being emotionally reactive and compulsive. This level of instability is always what causes me to take ten steps backward rather than moving forward because when I’m in that level of internal chaos everything I do will turn into the chaos that I’m feeling on the inside. That’s exactly what happened…
At the same time, this is a very serious thing that I have to navigate within myself. I don’t have to be this way, but right now it is a part of me that I have to work on to shift, and to do that I need to have grace with myself. I need to have grace with myself because I’m attempting to change years and decades of behaviors, because I know I’m worthy of cultivating something different. However, it doesn’t change the time stamp that I have against me. I have to stop so badly wanting to show up for others in a way that I don’t show up for myself, and giving half-ass support or follow through as a result. Essentially being codependent as hell. It’s done nothing but put a damper on my intimate relationships and deplete my own self-esteem because facing that truth about myself stings a little…a lot actually. All that to say, in 2024 I am honing in deeply on the ability to have grace for myself. Be honest with myself, cut no corners, but have grace as I unravel pieces of myself that I continue to dismiss as real aspects of myself. In turn, as I deal with these aspects of myself, I leave behind the need to be in denial for fear of embarrassment or external validation. Embrace the discomforts and lean into truly Giving Respect And Compassion to myself Effortlessly.
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