I told myself I needed to move out of the state, so I did. Lo and behold, things weren’t working out there as well. I convinced myself it was the job--I wasn’t able to get a decent job--the fact that I wasn’t living in a conducive environment and needed my own space. That wasn’t quite the remedy, so I decided to go back home. Told myself that if I were to go there for a short period of time, I could easily find a good job- paying decent enough (that I did), and then save save save! Save for a car, pay off all my debt, save for an apartment. Oh and did I mention, take off weeks at a time in the process to take care of personal business?
I could do it all. I swear, I can carry the weight of every responsibility that isn’t for me to carry. Anything that is external to me- I can come, conquer and master. I told myself just a few months would do, so I ran myself crazy to accomplish this goal of achieving all of these things. Despite it never making sense in the first place. I knew that in my mind I didn't want to stay in that home, because I knew that it wasn’t spiritually grounded enough for me. Truthfully, I was running when I got there. I couldn’t engage authentically in my spiritual work and feel comfortable doing so. Aside from this, the home wasn’t peaceful enough for me to be still when I needed to be. I absolutely had to get away. It was imperative I got somewhere that was much more spiritually grounded. Somewhere I could do my self-care and spiritual work, that was clean energetically. All while being able to feed my body high vibrational foods. I was certain that would be the fix to my problems.
So here I was far away, a spiritually driven environment, quiet, peaceful, but still I wasn’t at peace. It wasn't my “own”. There were too many expectations of me there that I wasn’t willing to fulfill. Ones that I even committed to prior to coming. Nonetheless, it wasn’t what I wanted. I felt like I was being controlled. I went from one far extreme to the next. I was then convinced that I needed a middle ground. I in fact needed to be the one to create this middle ground. I begged, kicked, screamed and cried out to God and my Ancestors to bless me with a new place. A place of my own. One that I could in fact create this environment of peace that I so desperately sought.
Flash forward five years, two months, and several Ebo’s (spiritual rituals) later…I was blessed with the space. The apartment I so desired, the job I felt was perfect. A quiet environment away from everyone and anything that could distract me or “disturb” me from doing what I needed to do to take care of myself. With the support of my spiritual court, and the support of my spiritual sister- I was able to call home to my new apartment in Texas. Despite the many signs of getting here, the struggles that occurred along the way, the several blockages that I had to endure to get here- I made it. But what good is “making it”, if within me- nothing has shifted to become the person I need to be, to align with the vision that I set for myself. Sometimes our egos can be so rampant that we forget- we have to level up in order for God to know it’s time to bless us up. That is so true for me. What I found is that because I wasn’t grateful, patient and still enough to seize the moments that were happening, pay attention to the experience and be fully present with the lessons- I was in fact missing my blessings. You see, I was in a new space, with brand new everything, but I was the same old person, so as a result I was experiencing the same old drama. Only this time- there was no one to point the finger at. No one to blame, no one to hold accountable for what was meant for me to take responsibility for. Rather than embrace what was in front of me and allow my spiritual court to guide me within the space that they blessed me with, I began to operate as if none of this change had occurred in my life.
Rather than look at myself, I was sure that I had to fix something else externally to make this oh so perfect! I then took on another leg of responsibility to assure that my time was being consumed. In hindsight, to make sure that I wasn’t experiencing peace. To make sure that I “didn’t have enough time” to do what it was I needed to do for me. To put myself in a compromising situation where I wasn’t able to choose high vibrational foods. I chose to repeat the struggle that got me here, despite having worked so hard to get out of it.
While all of those external challenges may have been real obstacles, I can now say with confidence that none of them are as big of an obstacle as my mind. My own internalized pain and oppression had become a badge of honor, so much so that I would seek her out, despite having told myself I got rid of her several seasons ago. None of those external challenges are larger than the challenge of being so disconnected from reality that I make decisions against my Ori (spiritual head). Not one of these obstacles are nearly as trying as the lack of patience I have had or my battles with simply being honest with myself. It’s a me thing- not a them and that thing. It’s running away from the truth. Ducking and dodging taking responsibility for my life, my peace, my happiness, and my sanity. It’s being able to admit that this is not an easy path, and this is not something I can wake up one morning, conquer and master. It’s not as simple as saving up money, filling out an application and taking a flight.
If it’s one thing that I have learned, it is that this journey of healing and liberation is not abracadabra. There isn’t any one step that I take that will make everything all good. There are, however, experiences, trials and tribulations that I must and will go through. They’re necessary for me to become stronger, wiser and more equipped at dealing with the many things that life will have me navigating. I also know that the only way to go through the fire without getting burnt is to actually get the lessons. If I continue to water down the self-care that I need to sustain these experiences and fight through the energy that pulls me away from my highest self, then I will continue to struggle. I will continue to suffer through seasons that are meant to be bountiful, and that is just not worth it to me. The journey is a challenge within itself. However, me being the challenge is an option that I have the power to change. God is only able to help me as long as I am patient, present and persistent. Furthermore, when I am willing to help myself! I embrace this process. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my creator, and I owe it to my Ancestors who weren’t blessed with the wisdom I’ve been able to come across in my lifetime. Rather than focusing on changing my external world, I’ve decided to work on changing my perspective. I know and trust that the elevation of my thoughts as I continue down my path, is what will allow me to experience the peace, sound health, mental clarity and many blessings that are destined for me to obtain. I am ready.