One of the main reasons why I have a difficult time talking about BPD, is because I have a difficult time accepting the impact and influence that it has on my life. I don’t believe that BPD has to control me or the trajectory of my life. However, if I’m not cognizant moment to moment of my triggers, the shifts that they cause within my physiological state, and the disconnect from reality that it usually leads me to; I do essentially allow BPD to control me rather than me getting in the driver seat. Taking control requires that I am thoroughly and honestly being self-reflective, then accountable for what comes up as a result of self-reflection.
I- better yet, my ego, prides myself on “knowing things”. I always feel the need to say “I know” when an opportunity presents itself. I was recently in a conversation with a friend of mine and she said, as she always does to me…what is the purpose of knowing if you’re not going to DO anything with your awareness? The comment stuck with me because it triggered me, but we carried on in the conversation. There were lots of things being called out to me in that process, things that I just hadn’t been thinking about. Things that I’ve completely disconnected from, and the thought of how far gone I was got me even more triggered. Rather than taking a step back and acknowledging my triggers, I kept doing what I was doing (making a smoothie) and ended up breaking the knob on the blender. As I was experiencing the trigger of what was brought up in the conversation, I was now faced with a new trigger from this knob being broken.
The knob was already on its leg out, so I knew I had to be gentle with it to begin with. Bigger than that, I knew that the original state of the knob was the least of the contributions that broke it at that moment. I was so lit inside of me and so unwilling to see myself. I tried to distance myself from what was being recalled in my mind as a result of what was being said to me throughout the conversation, by focusing on “fixing it”. I knew that the aggression I was feeling inside of me was the energy spewing out of me, which led to me breaking the blender. This is just one example of how, in that moment, I allowed BPD to control me. I literally just shut down in the conversation as a result of being too uncomfortable to continue.
When I finally did take a moment to reflect on the entire situation, I felt an extreme sense of discontentment with myself. Mainly because my mind was now making huge deals out of things that were initially small deals that needed to be addressed or corrected. I was processing what the conversation was about, or rather my triggers throughout the conversation, because I didn’t want to accept what the conversation was about. On top of now, the fact that I broke the knob on the blender. I mean that’s just too damn much to be processing and feeling all day long…This is why self-reflection coupled with accountability makes life much simpler. If I was thoroughly and consistently doing my work outside of this interaction, I can almost guarantee it would not have had to yield to all this “processing” and breaking of things.
All that was required was for me to be accountable for what was being presented. As a result of not doing so, I robbed myself of the next moment to show up differently. This work requires accountability, without it - no leaders and generational curse breakers can be birthed. Reflecting on this reiterated the importance of self-love. Loving myself requires me to show up for myself. If I’m not pouring into myself daily, I’m not showing up for myself. Doing my personal work is an act of love. Knowing this and doing what I know I need to do is accountability. Without accountability, self-love cannot happen.
Lastly, giving myself WHAT I need WHEN I need it so that I can show up for myself when I’m in vulnerable situations that require my overflow. That is - real 90/90 - not half ass. I have this habit of trying to take shortcuts and reinvent the wheel along the way. Despite knowing that the wheel works for me. The more I reflected the more I realized that I hadn’t done womb work in forever. BPD is an emotionally-driven personality disorder. If I’m not going to take western medicine, I need to manage my emotions. Womb work helps me do that. Do my work, and most importantly trust that - that is enough. It is the fuel that propels me to show up in my authentic self, rather than existing in my trauma body and allowing the symptoms of BPD to run my life.