Two weeks ago, I came home and fell completely in my arms. That looked like me just sitting here, door cracked for some fresh air to come in, no music on, just the sounds of deep breaths and my heartbeat. All before my uniformed ritual of grounding from the transition of work to home. I was tired. Working two jobs, no breaks, no car to get around - but making it. I’m beyond grateful, and at the same time I cannot imagine doing this with children.
As much as I’ve come to learn about myself, what I need to truly be stable: spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically - you’d think I have it in a bag. Hell, I desperately want to have it in a bag, but it doesn’t work like that. Taking care of myself, I mean truly giving myself the very best of me - is hard work. Work worth doing, but challenging, nonetheless.
Burnout is a real thing, and as I sat and observed my thoughts in between each breath, I was reminded of my why. Reminded of the reason why I chose this path, the reason that I’m even working two jobs at this intersection, the fact that this is a season and what I’m going through is intended to make me stronger. Not to last forever. While yes, I can’t imagine myself doing this with children - I can imagine me having children, and I am looking forward to the day I am blessed. It’s the very thing that drives me to get up and push a little harder. That in itself motivates me to go through now, the very thing I don’t want my future children to endure. If all I have is 30 minutes to reset, give it my all. When I feel like stopping and complaining, expressing gratitude instead. It is an advantage to know (I mean truly know) that the only way out is in, and I don’t take that lightly. With this level of awareness comes major responsibility. Despite how far I yo-yo back and forth from myself, I am beyond blessed to have embraced such a path that has given me an extensive number of tools to sustain radical self-care.
As I’ve been having these moments of getting down and picking myself back up, I’ve been reminded of what doesn’t work. The things that I was doing before 90/90 (a method from the SASS curriculum). I've been reminded how ineffective it is to be motivated by external factors. Most importantly, and to reiterate, how much having a why bigger than myself is undoubtedly the only thing that gets me going when I do find myself falling off. Today I’m reminding myself to simply breathe. Be present, breathe, take it easy, step back, and reset before I keep going.
Do the work because it works.