Every now and then I go through these bouts of moments when I begin to compare myself to other people. It often starts with me scrolling on SM, one click leading to another until 20- 30 minutes pass me by. That’s literally all it takes, then I’m checking my own receipts as I admire the ones of others (or what I perceive they are). Questioning whether or not I too will find a man that I can marry and co-create with. Second guessing the choices I’ve made in life, dreaming of when I’ll have my moment of blissful travel around the world. Even better, an abundance of opportunities to spread my gifts to the world. Saying to myself- that could’ve been me! As my mind races through these thoughts it zones me out completely of what is actually happening. Better yet, what could be happening instead. I call this experience a “destructive distractor episode”.
Before I know it, I look up and days have passed by since I told myself I would take time each week to do this thing that will get me closer to my dream. Days then turn to weeks, and I still didn’t start that thing, written that song, or create that vision. Weeks turn to months and finally I realize that I never followed through on what I told my Ancestors I would do during the last check-in. Then I come around to making the connection that, perhaps that is contributing to my state of drifting. When I allow myself to sit with how I truly feel, I conclude that I don’t want what those people have, I want what I want for myself but don’t want to put the work in. However, the act of constantly looking outside of myself, distracts me from focusing on myself…thus stifling my ability to put the work in!
This cycle isn’t anything new for me. I’ve done this my entire life. Putting things off until they fell off. Changing my start date from Sunday to Monday…then Wednesday. Drowning myself in TV, music, gossip, etc. I’ve witnessed this habit of procrastination and spending hours of time engaging in destructive distractions growing up with my mom, dad and other adults in my life. Whether it was seeing my dad scramble for work clothes 30 minutes after his shift started, or my mom getting lost in her soap operas and putting off the need to put structures in place for things to flow more effectively for our family unit. Better yet, watching my family just “kick it” more often than not. No one seemed to follow a schedule. Never. There was no sense of urgency. I heard a lot of talking about what should’ve could’ve would’ve- was gon’ happen…but not a lot of action.
All that to say, I’m here now. As a woman, I inner-stand that this is indeed my own shadow of limitation. I’ve learned it, internalized and continue to perpetuate it. It’s something that I must address within myself. It’s bigger than me, and something I can’t do on my own. I need the support of my Ancestors just as much as they need mine. They make this known by never letting up on me. When it comes to me showing up in the version of myself they know me to be at my core. When I’m destructive in this way, my physical reality reflects the inner chaos I’m causing in an effort to get my attention. The more I dwell in these habits, the more it perpetuates my Ancestors to remain unelevated, unpeaceful, and at war within and around me. I know that bigger than me, this is a cycle that is not of the true caliber of my lineage. I come from a line of community leaders, teachers, business owners, celebrities, entrepreneurs, etc. Somewhere along the line, that fight and willpower to keep up with that in which I came from, was overpowered by privilege, laziness, procrastination, and fear. I am clear that in addressing this, I am accomplishing one part of the assignment I have in healing myself and my lineage.
I have my hiccups, but I’m dedicated to getting this right, and I’m committed to finishing what I started. Even if it takes me longer than I anticipated. I’m on my journey. I have a lot of mastery, yet MUCH to learn. Many areas to grow in. It’s too late for yesterday, and tomorrow is too far away, but I do have the power of now. I trust my path, and when I find myself getting into these ruts- I’ll allow this to be my reminder and I invite you to do the same. I am worthy of living a life of peace, joy, and abundance. So am I worthy of putting in the work required of me to accomplish that which I seek.