I’ve been in this space of reassessing and redefining myself. Learning to appreciate the silence and solitude that I feel is necessarily happening right now; without getting so caught up in the fact that it’s a heavy feeling of loneliness. I’ve manifested this haven for myself, an environment that I’d like to call sacred. Only I didn’t realize that it meant being so disconnected from the reality that I once knew. While it feels good to be in a space of living free and true to me, I’m often left asking myself is it worth it? Is this what it is that I signed up for? Then I take a moment and remind myself of why I’m doing this, and why it is in fact worth it. At the same time, I’m recognizing the need for me to expand on my why. I’m not the same person I was 7 years ago.
When I made the decision to embark on this healing journey, I hadn’t considered the need for me to be so stripped down to my core in order to be built back up (but I guess diamonds need pressure to grow). I didn’t even consider that my family (who I felt compelled to do this for), wouldn’t at all be interested in healing and changing the dynamic in which we relate with one another. Furthermore, that just because I decided to change - that the people I felt so connected to, would decide to change too. It’s probably one of the most uncomfortable truths to face. In fact, I think in the back of my head - I held onto this strand of hope… “If they can see this happen, surely they would be convinced to change this about them.” “If I just do this then they’ll catch on too.” Nope. Doesn’t work like that. In fact, what happens is the more I desire closeness, rooted in inauthenticity and misaligned values, the more I neglect giving myself what I know I need, to maintain the level of mental and emotional stability I’ve come to know. The more I fall off to keep up with them, or this idea of who I feel I have to be to relate with them, the unhealthier I am.
One of the first shadow cards I received as a point of reflection within Sacred Art of Self Study was Acceptance. At the time, I narrowed it down to accepting myself, all of my insecurities, the truth of my experiences, and how they made me who I was at the time. Now I’m experiencing a new need for acceptance. Accepting the fact that my family isn’t interested in healing. Accepting that I was called to this path for a purpose larger than myself, and the more I go on in life not accepting that - the harder it will be for me to truly ascend. Accepting that the closer I get to me, the further I become from them. Accepting that the only way out is in. That means that it’s necessary that my self work cannot be compromised. In fact, the more I neglect, the more negativity I will experience within myself and in my reality, because there are more spirits against me doing well, than for me. Most importantly, accept that not everyone is going to get this, because it’s for me to get.
Years of relying so much on the validation of others, has had me forgetting that I have all that I truly need to fill that void within myself. I can actually change my perspective and accept this feeling without having to classify it as loneliness. So as long as I’m in alignment with my Ori and maintaining a healthy relationship with God - things will be as clear for me as they need to be.